Holy shithead.

  Lewl. Okay, don't read the title like how this chick pronounce it. Say it as is. Just wanna go on and say this again (I'll probably do this again in the future). GOD, I missed blogging! And doing reviews! AND writing! And post random shit like this! I FUCKING MISS THAT SHIT! What are you doing to me, laziness?! What are you doing to me, social media?! And most importantly... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME, ADULTHOOD?! CAN'T A NIGGA ENJOY HIS PASSION?! Boy, this sure beats Twitter and Facebook sometimes.

Death is certain. A comeback will have to wait.

Archive file, courtesy of my dear onee-chan.

Ahh, those glourious, yet painful, almost shower-less three-week stay
at KPJ Healthcare, Section 20, Shah Alam (yes, I spelled it Tarantino-style).
And that lubang-masuk-ubat thing you see on my hand here wasn't even in its final
position! And this was taken on my last few days at the hospital too! Dang!

Hello, craptards of old. Who still thinks blogs are in and what not in this yet another new year. Yes, a New Year post on February. And it's been a few months since I wrote something in here. Screw you. I can do whatever I want!

Where good old limited blue bird can never do what my wild, uncertain brain particles do best; blab about my life eloquently, in more personal and wordy manner. TwitLonger service sucks (actually, I never understood how to use that shit, and I don't see the point of tweeting an ESSAY of things to say 'cause you know, anything too short can never be trusted that much [another 'teori memandai'... oh yeah, pardon me on my knack to prolong sentences... like what I'm doing right now as we speak]). Blogs are better at expressing bloated, overblown pent up frustrations and stuff rather than those pesky things we call social media websites, right?

Speaking of bloated-ness... I was trapped in the hospital, for the second time, on a much longer period than the first time, again at the end of the semester (for this stay, it's on my fourth semester). I was especially extra-worried back at my confinement; from initially just about my studies, it evolved to worrying about what's gonna happen to my body, my future, and my life. It's all freaking connected to each other. It made me ponder if  everything I ever did for leisure and for seriousness was ever worth it or not. All of this will usually loom in my noodles and  stay there, in my imagination, but the longer I stayed there with nothing to do but watch redundant TV and a failed attempt at catching up with my semi-realistic 'social life' (you know what I'm talking about), the more I think I should move my ass a little bit more than usual while still maintaining the relaxation state, since overworking, resting, thinking too much, and refraining from eating too much stuff that could bloat me up, especially after being diagnosed with a minimal-chain nephritic syndrome (it's a kidney infection thing... go look it up) will only make it worse. This prompted me to be smart about managing and putting a little more thought about my life and what I do with it, which I'm currently still struggling to work on. I'm a half-spoiled brat and half-empty person see. I have all the basic tools I need; like the Internet, now a motorbike, and the whole neighbourhood (and the whole of Shah Alam and beyond) to explore.. but at the same time, I have to get things like extra cash (I'm talking part time jobs; things I never really stuck a luck with so far... not even once), due bike license, house maintenance, and any meaningful and beneficial events or errands to attend to. So I'm not that spoiled after all. I just don't know where to start.

Sorting my life out can be a bummer. Heh, that's just part of being a better grown-up human, huh? Face it dude. You're living with a disease and still breathe... of course all of this nonsense I blabbed up there are just a breeze. Life is easy, but death is easier. Deal with it.

P/S:

1. Generic life shit again. I was never that creative to begin with. I just play with words... and the irony of life... and things that bugs me about the things I feel and see. Well, can't say I didn't try to write a long post after lingering too long in the oh-so-short world of Facebook and Twitter thoughts; both of which are getting more and more useless, but still needed nonetheless, each and every day.

2. Screw you, Zuckerberg and the likes.

Hai.

Bersarang bai. Kbye.

#thatshitrhymesyo

Questions.

Who the EFF are you?
Who is actually this Muhammad Ikhwan bin Radzali fellow?
Why is he actually here?
What does he actually do?
What does he actually like?
What does he actually like to do?
Does he even do stuff?
Does he move so often?

What is his calling in life?
Is he a big part of the society?
Does the society see him?
Does the society wants him?
Does the society wants to see him?
Does he even care about the society?
What did he do to the society?
What did the society did to him?
Does it have any effect at all?
Did it sting him?
It didn't?
Why the EFF not?

Don't ask me.
Allah made me.
He has all the answers.
I can only guess... and just play along with whatever He planned for me.
He already laid down everything for me.
I just have to be smart enough to look for it.

When will that time comes for me to be smart enough to realise all of these things, eh? I wouldn't know.

F**k you, Swifty. You ain't 22.

You just made it sound like being 22 is all 'cool,' 'hip,' and 'fun.' But trust me; she's lying. It's not easy when you're an introvert with an abnormal self-esteem. And yet, you blew it and make a new chart-topping song out of it almost each and every time you break up with some gayfag-looking guy. Stop representing everyone of this age, dork. Jet!   P/S: Happy birthday, dear me! And I hate this song, so I can do whatever with it; that includes putting this up in my blog and rip on her idea of making a song. Toodles! Have another decent... great... ah, screw it... unpredictable life, aite?

Konteks dah hilang.

Aku rasa aku dah nampak dah apa masalah aku dan sesetengah besar orang sekeliling aku ni... apa je yang aku cakap atau buat, langsung tak ada konteks. Asalkan ayat tu berbunga dan ada kick, kita pakai guna je tanpa memikirkan sebenarnya kita nak apa daripada apa kita ungkapkan tu. 

Orang kata, apa kita buat semuanya ada sebab, kan? Tapi, kita bercakap sebab apa? Sebab nak bercakap? Itu bukan sebab; kau memang nak bercakap, tapi sebab apa? Apa reaksi atau persepsi yang kau harapkan? Kalau tak ada apa yang kau nak atau harapkan daripada apa benda kau cakap tu, baik diam saja. Jangan buat bising bila tak perlu. Dunia ni dah cukup bising dengan kata-kata tak berisi; yang tak ada makna. Tau kencang, tau kencing.

Mana hilangnya konteks segala perbuatan kita ni wei? Manusia macam kau dan aku kena cari sebab kenapa kita ditiupkan ke dalam jasad ni!

The chill pill.

We have all been there, don't we? We started off to be an aspiring superhero when we were so very young, but we ended up being an established fashion designer instead. Once we are where we at, sometimes wish that it will be swell if we turn back time and stay on the right track. But if we stay at the past too long, our future might suck so damn badly... 'cause y'know, we won't see any kind of rainbow and sunshine if we stay under a comfy rock, right?

Being in love with coughing up ideas (be it technical or abstract/creative ones) and writing it down on my own terms, I found out that this current path I'm in don't really fit me. I can't possibly see myself on the field, day and night, overseeing people's work, help them out doing grueling tasks, and keeping time codes for a film production in the far future. I can only goof around and keep the spirits of the crew members with my antics. I'm good at that. If I still linger around in the field for too long, I'll be holding them and myself down. It's best that they only inspire me to be good at what I do best; a 'cheerleader' and 'a man of ideas'.

On one side though, it's good to be a film student, knowing that you'll meet different kinds of characters that'll eventually contribute to better ideas and concepts to be incorporated into other forms of media, or better yet... to shape a better me. 

So, hang in there, dear self. This is all one big ass chill pill. It might take some time to swallow, but it'll all be worth it for the long run. :) 

A new day.

Just wanna start things of in yet another year. Yeah, that's it. :)

Blank.

I never abandoned you, never been selfish and shit like that. I'm just... simply speechless. Or rather... being OVERLY careful and analytical about what I'm about to say to you or what would happen after I said that shit.

Everyone has problems.

P/S: Or this is just a fancier way of saying I miss this blog so damn mucho! >.<

To all women out there / future soulmate... #6

Source: deviantART

I hope you never strayed too far away from my surroundings, or even from my sight should you are in front of me all these times. I hope to get to know you, whoever you might be. Please?

P/S: "Ultra-gay" as it may seem, but who doesn't want a soul mate? Or another half? Right? Okay... maybe the fucking rain or someone indirectly influenced me to put this up. I'm still human, y'know.

That darn writer's block... again.

Writers think, right? I mean, shit don't just pop out in a readable text form like that out of nowhere. If that's not the case, all these while, what we did time and time again should probably look like this...

adfdsf njflndsajsanjdfsadlnacdsclainadljcnlddvsjfajslfsdljvns.nfavurivljsdnv.SUVDSVVEieulvcjkvvukv

In order to hit the keys and make that thought readable, we have to think first before we type. But I can't do any original writings as of late. I mean like... an actual writing. Not some fucking status updates on Twitter or Facebook here, man. It's that time again where I miss to have a myriad of topics to talk about in this pseudo-neglected think tank.

Or maybe I just care too much about what people think of me? Or maybe I'm just not that confident about myself?

What the hell is this shit, anyway? This is old news I keep on repeating time and time again! It's MY fucking tank! Why the fuck should I care what PEOPLE thinks?!

I hope this fucking destroys that darn writer's block... even for just a little bit.

There's no place like home.

Corny and cliche as it may sound to you, but yeah, there is no other place I'd rather be than home. To me (and probably many other sentimental kinds of people too), it's a place where you actually feel a sense of belonging, not left out of doing something with your loved ones and always have a company to interact and have conversations with. Because of this, a house is definitely not a home; not when that house is full of people who doesn't really welcome you there, other than providing you very basic necessities.

Personally, I don't really have an actual house for a home unlike most of you people; just a few rooms and a decent apartment to be exact. But hey. at least I'm treated as one of them, the inhabitants let me be myself and tell me if I suck so that I can improve myself from time to time.

So yeah... I miss my room and my sister's room already. It's good while it lasted eh? Gonna miss the frequent shenanigans and joy that happened in there. Now, I'm in my other home, and I intend to cherish the moments that are bound to happen here.

To all of my UiTM buddies out there, happy studying again! And to my sister; happy belated birthday (I wished her plenty of times already, but meh... just wanna say that again)!

Give and take.

Give and take. It's the most easiest thing to do... and the easiest way to live a fulfilling, peaceful life; knowing that we are willing to give someone we care about the best of our abilities to appreciate them as a person and take up whatever they give us as a sign of gratitude.

Apparently, I haven't given these simple principle that much thought and initiation all this while. Even if I did, I held back. I shouldn't. This is one step to feel good about myself. I should let go of my uptight thinking and live my life to the fullest already. I should, and I must.

I guess these are what have been missing in my life. These must be it.

The root.

This is not a definitive end. At least I'm staying there as a student. At least I'm still breathing. At least I still hang out and have a good time with my pals and my small family. At least there's good food to indulge. At least there's moderate money to support myself. At least the weather's good at times. At least I have good books to read. At least I have the internet to kill boredom. At least I have a place to crash. At least I'm still able to fast and experience on the holy month of Ramadhan which is ending soon.

NEVER say it's not enough. The root to happiness isn't more happiness, but... it's gratitude and thankfulness towards everything that God have given us. Every given thing has its own reason of being there for us.

So quit that yapping and bad mouthing. Always hope for the best! :)

Mockery of existence.

How does one do that? Simple! Show up and show off for no reason (or the reason being to drive people away because you're so important and not everyone else), establish your own bullshit, stink up the whole neighbourhood with your dung, stand tall and proud of the bullshit that you made and watch the riot that ensues. What happens then?

PROFIT... to yourself for pissing people off! Yeah!

P/S: I write this 'cause that title I came up with sounds totally kick-ass. 

Le foreseeable, uncertain future.

The thought of and the annoyance I feel from my sister's lazy bum-like behaviour knocked my skull real hard; from where I'm standing or facing, where would and should I go after this? Yeah, student life is the shiz and what not, but just like real life, there's death and the afterlife. 

The thought of it scares the crap out of me. Don't worry too much they said... it will be fun they said...

But meh. I'm gonna keep my cool still. Scumbag brain.

P/S: Happy 4th day of Ramadhan peeps! Have a good one, and always, I mean... CONSTANTLY pray and hope for the best, especially during this holy month of goodness!

To all women out there / future soulmate... #5

To all women out there / future soulmate... #4

...forgive me for not paying attention to my mouth's ability to transform into something of an abomination called le Foul-Mouthed Behemoth and for treating everyone, including you delicate creatures as its appetite quencher. 

I never meant for any of those unimaginative words to got uttered right out of my uninsured mouth, it's just that... when it comes to talking to you, I look at you the same as my dude friends; especially those of the opposite sex who I have that tingly feeling thingy with whenever I approach one. I got excited sometimes, and got even more excited when you actually paying attention and able to tolerate with whatever crap that came right out of my mouth. I never felt that way before when I talk to someone like that. How could I let myself into looking at you the same when you girls are actually the missing puzzle piece of every lonely man's heart?

Again, I'm very sorry, dear women everywhere or my future soul mate; whoever and wherever you are. I'm still in my learning phase. I hope you could accept my weaknesses and tell me what's wrong with me. I do want someone special in my life. And... it's you, girl... whoever you might be. :)

You are a crowd of your own.

I've been to many (not that many really, but more than once should made me eligible enough to write about this shit) festivals or events that heavily rely on crowds, and I've seen many attempts to make it seems different than the others, but in the end... it's all up to you. 

YOU define what it feels like to blend in. YOU know what it feels like to have fun in such occasion. YOU know it yourself that you're either giving back to the community by participating as a visitor or volunteers for such events. YOU know that what you do is either right or wrong (I'm strongly referring to the organisers on this sentiment, but it could also apply to the visitors as well) when you started something of that big of a magnitude. YOU decide whether if it benefits you, or if it's better to go back to your roots (like your village or hometown or something) and mend any broken relationships or fix any broken issues if you have to, rather than wasting two hours of your life moving lifelessly like zombies in a sea of clueless people showing off their insecurities and their so-called 'rebellious' attitudes in one hell of a wrong way, try to find some sort of meaning towards your adventure, but in the end, it's nothing but sheer disappointment. YOU decide if that event you're in actually counts toward the evolution of your environment or... the exact opposite; total chaos and oblivion. YOU decide whether are you in the crowd or don't belong in the crowd. YOU WILL know whether you're going along with nature, trying so hard to keep up, or just going against it.

YOU ARE THE CROWD. Don't ever feel alienated. Stereotypes are created by your own doubts about every repeated occurrences within the society. YOU have always been part of nature.

Want to see some changes around here; within all kinds of aspects? It's all up to... guess who? YOU.

Good day, Chopper!

This is a new old story actually... but fuck that shit!

"Ohaiyou, you fat turd!"

Being a sideline fan of which the anime series this adorable creature came from that I am, and due to the fact that despite my outer personality of not being interesting, deep within me, however, I wish to try and do something very daring and fun AND to scare/shock the shit of my circle and the public. So, I seized the opportunity of snagging an almost-accurate real life replica of the above being's enormous hat complete with its ears and horns attached when I saw it on sale at the Shah Alam Uptown. And boy, did people got one hell of a spook when they saw me wear it!

Don't I look awesomely adorable? Mad props to Aimi Rosli for this!

And since I bought this thing, my cockiness level went way off the chart, man (especially when I wear this together with my pink mouse shirt)! Okay, not really cockiness; but actually my self-esteem that is boosted by a tiny pinch, and that kinda feels good. But thing is, there are other ways to shock people on how awesome you are. It's how you present yourself that matters, not what you wear. Even the simplest of things can contribute to that; some breath mints, a little EDT here and there, a little dash of simple ice-breakers... you know, shits like that, and BAM!, you just sniped your imaginary poison dart to ensure that you left a trail of yourself inside the brains of the people you meet everyday.

Although I consider myself as an introvert of sorts (kinda), and this is kind of an extrovert-toned post, slowly, I feel like I should keep whatever motivational or inspirational shit I wrote up in this entry as a guide for myself to improve myself, so that I can become more approachable and such; something that extroverts always ace at.